**11/3/10 - please note the addendum at the end of this blog.
So I had intended to post something a little sooner but wound up spending all night last night in the ER with my son who had broken his collar bone. I don't want sympathy - it was stressful for me and everyone involved, but he's fine and he'll heal like kids do. What this did, however, was to get me thinking (surprise) and gave me a little shot in the arm.
I had been reading some of the social websites' MS forums, other blogs, and anything else I could find along that line. My discovery - LOTS o' bitterness and depression. Now keep in mind - I love you guys and we're all in the same boat, but Holy Crap! I wanted to kill myself, too, after reading these things. That's not to say that I don't ever feel down in the dumps - I certainly do. Duh - it's a common symptom of MS AND a side effect of the treatment I'm on (and many others, I would guess), but C'MON! The point is that if I'm reading it and getting depressed, imagine what you feel like talking about it all the time. Now I know that these websites are an outlet and you often use them to say things you wouldn't in another venue. Either way, you're talking about it and trying to get others to identify with you so you can commiserate. THE MORE YOU TALK ABOUT IT, THE MORE REAL IT BECOMES! (ever hear of the self-fulfilling prophecy?)
The reason I bring this up is that, as I'm sitting in the ER with my son who is young and in excruciating pain, I didn't think about my health or the fact that I have MS for even a moment. Why, you ask? It's because I was focused on something more important. I'm saying that if you can find something important to you and especially something you're passionate about, you can break that cycle. Now, I understand what many who try to give suggestions about managing depression (and anger) do not: you don't WANT to break the cycle at the time and are happy (bad choice of words... satisfied?) being pissed or feeling like you want to eat a bullet. You need to think this through a little bit when you're in better spirits and prepare. For example, I can NOT watch Arrested Development and stay depressed. It's funny no matter what kind of mood I'm in. Sure, I may not feel like cheering up, but if I force myself turn it on (my ipod), I'm fine once I start watching it. I'm betting that many of you have a similar tv show or movie that has this effect.
I think that, in the larger scheme of things, breaking the cycle for an hour and a half won't be the end of it. So, you're going to get another example of how changing focus, or even just being focused, changes the way you feel on a larger scale. At the time of my diagnosis, I was working in a situation where I had nothing to do and my boss was not interested in stirring the pot at all, so he wanted me to keep quiet. I spent almost a year post diagnosis really thinking I was doomed... Thinking about it ALL the time... and worrying... and thinking about what the kids would remember about me... etc., etc. Bad thought after bad thought. As an aside, one of the things that kept me going was my participation in a clinical trial. I remember that I told the physician/researcher that "I'm in this, so you may as well get as much data from me as you can" and he wound up using me for extra blood draws (which were accounted for in the protocol) on a weekly basis. This wasn't my favorite thing to do, but it was a distraction and the researcher really appreciated it. I really kind of absorbed myself in the trial, and I know that it helped.
Anyway, back to the depressed and bored me. Ultimately, a big-wig in my department (bigger wig than my boss) picked me up out of my position and put me in charge of a group that was in a major tailspin. Seriously, the shit was really hitting the fan, but he trusted me enough to put me in charge. Things were so crazy when I got there that I didn't have time to think about MS and my future - just that I needed to whip this group into shape. I was beat by the time I got home every night, but I was focused. That became my life at the time, and not my MS. That was almost a year and a half ago and I am still in that position. Things are running smoothly and I am not toast at the end of the day anymore, but I remain focused at work. I really have been a different person since then and can remember that I realized almost immediately that I felt much better just because I was under so much pressure to whip this group into shape, and FOCUSED on that goal, that I didn't have time to sit and feel sorry for myself. I was reminded of that last night at the ER and thought it was relevant given what I've been reading.
The message: focus. Decide to change your attitude and make those changes without giving yourself time to decide not to. What's the worse that's going to happen? Are you going to feel bad later that you made yourself happy when you didn't want to? Brilliant!
I don't care what you do to focus, but I think it helps if you're passionate about it. Take up photography, a new hobby, start a new career, move to a different town, don't label yourself (or everyone will think of you that way), read a series of books, video games, take up cooking, gardening, start an aquarium, online poker - I really could care less, but you have to absorb yourself in it. What have you got to lose? The point is just to focus on something that is challenging and that you're passionate about. Guess what folks? This may take a little bit of work, but you're grown-ups and this is the way it is now (also, that's kind of the point). You can't sit back and be lazy anymore. Life is work for all of us so embrace it and move on rather than laying down and dreading it. Don't be weak! Stop waiting for some white knight to save you! You can't live in the fantasy world where you're 18 and it's 1985 anymore. This is the new you, now get off your ass and do something worth while! (and ax the mullet!)
thank you and good night... I'm here all week.
**Addendum: I was thinking about this while lying in bed and it occured to me that, back in my running days when I was looking at running my first marathon, I remember reading that I should sign up early and tell as many people as possible. The point here is that if a lot of people know, I will feel pressure to succeed. The same really holds true for changing your focus and emersing yourself in something. The other stuff I mentioned certainly helps and is at good short-term, but in the example I gave last night, I was under a lot of pressure to get things done. I think that reproducing this feeling is a major factor in succeeding. New examples: get involved in the school board, local politics, committees, etc. It helps if you have to answer to somebody else or have someone relying on you!
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